Food Rules Versus Preferences: How to Tell the Difference
By Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, C-IAYT, Founder
Once, while sitting across from my dietitian at a small round table in her office, she said to me, “There is more to life than rules about what you are and aren’t allowed to eat. There are preferences if you give yourself permission to accept them.”
What are preferences anyway? I thought. A child innately senses their own likes and dislikes. Somewhere along the way, I’d lost touch with that. The concept of preferences seemed so foreign that I told her I could not even identify my own “comfort foods.”
It took many go-arounds of this back and forth before I was willing to loosen the grip of food rules and begin to explore what preferences were. Early on it took diligent practice to proactively confront fear and make choices that aligned with my preferences instead of mindlessly giving in to habitual eating disorder patterns. I thank my Yoga practice for assisting me in fostering the internal awareness required to wake up to destructive habits and then cultivate the courage and strength to integrate new life-sustaining patterns.
So, what are food preferences anyway?
With plenty of trial and error, here is what I figured out: food preferences are our genuine, natural likes and dislikes. Although we may have a visceral reaction when we see or smell a food we naturally like or dislike, our body’s response comes from a neutral, nonemotional space. For example, I am repulsed when I smell or see blue cheese—it’s an automatic reaction. I cannot help it. Thoughts do not set off this reaction, it just happens.
Food rules are the opposite of natural reactions. They commonly sound like “I can only eat X one time a day” or “I am only allowed to have Y on the weekends” or “I am not allowed to eat Z.” These rules sound a lot like the lingo of restrictive diets and the diet culture they come from.
For a long time in my recovery, I did not believe I could trust my preferences and was afraid that if I did, I would not be in control of food and my body. It took time to slow down enough to stop operating from rules and to tune in to what I liked and disliked. The first step was giving myself permission to pay attention to the difference between a food rule and a food preference and to recognize that, for example, not liking mustard is a preference and only eating protein at dinner is a rule, or that liking strawberry jam with butter on toast is my preference and skipping the butter because I’ve internalized butter is bad is a rule.
Once I could discern between adhering to a food rule and choosing a food I liked, the next step was choosing my preferences over and over again, even when I was afraid. I learned that each time I chose to eat a food I wanted instead of following a rule, I was practicing self-acceptance. When we choose our preferences, we do the opposite of denying, restricting, or rejecting ourselves. Instead, we accept that our likes and dislikes are a natural part of who we are, and making choices from that place within ourselves makes our healing journey an empowering one. When we live from preference, we assert self-assuredness; there's little need for debate. We know what we know to be true because there's nothing to argue about. It is what it is—literally!
Figuring Out the Difference Between a Food Rule and Preference
To determine the difference between a food rule and preference, try this short, yoga-inspired practice. Do this exercise daily to get in the habit of differentiating between preferences and rules so you can start honoring your preferences more and more. This exercise demonstrates that choices are not good or bad. Rather, making choices mindfully offers information and learning opportunities.
When making a food choice, observe your reaction. This includes your physical response, breathing, thoughts, and emotions. If your body tenses; if your breathing turns shallow, fast, or is barely there; and/or if your thoughts and emotions jump onto the eating disorder track, then you are working from the “food rule” space. If, on the other hand, your response to a food is more instantaneous, like “Oh, I like that” or “No way, I don’t like that food,” and your physical, mental, and emotional state is not much altered, you are likely in the preference space. Observe your reactions to gauge which is at play.
Then “find the ground,” meaning become grounded, centered, and present to the experience and moment. To do that, connect with time and space through your feet and hands. Feel the soles of your feet on the ground. Sense the connection between your feet and the surface beneath them. Trust that you are steady and supported. Rest your hands on your body or press one into the other to create grounding in your upper body. You can do this seated or standing or, if you are in a private space, you can lie down and allow the floor to support your entire being. Take three to five purposeful breaths in this grounded position.
If you determine you are in a rule space rather than a preference space, take five or more slow breaths to interrupt the spinning thoughts. Proceed when you’ve gained some clarity about the next choice to make for yourself.
If you are unsure which space you are in—rule or preference—notice that too. Give yourself time to breathe in this grounded position and see what bubbles up. If focusing on your breath feels “too still,” perhaps journal, change your environment (like go into a different room or step outside for a few minutes), or take an action that you find helpful in moments like these. There’s no right or wrong here. It takes time to reestablish trust in our capacity to have preferences, so distinguishing them from rules in and of itself may be a process that takes time and patience.
I also recommend making it a priority to work on food preferences with your dietitian, therapist, or other trusted supports. You don’t have to go it alone.
If you struggle to trust your preferences and release food rules, I invite you to check out a few opportunities that may feel comforting and helpful.
Consider incorporating Yoga Therapy into your recovery journey, where we can work together to help you build trust in your choices as create yoga-inspired practices that support your recovery.
Join me on Wednesdays from 2pm to 2:30 pm EST for the free Connection Call on Zoom for more support and conversation with others who truly get it.
Head over to the Yoga for Eating Disorders Community Facebook Group for more support and conversation with others who truly get it.
Remember, each time you chose to eat a food you want instead of following a rule, you are practicing self-acceptance.💗