Tug of War: Wanting to be Well and Sick at the Same Time
By Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, C-IAYT, Founder
The day after I arrived home from residential treatment, I began day treatment at a site closer to home for about two months. During my 4 weeks at residential, my husband and I told our two children that I was at a conference for work; to this day I give thanks that they were too young to know the difference or even remember this painful time (for the full story, check out Chapter 6 of my book, The Courageous Path to Healing). Then there was intensive outpatient treatment three evenings a week for another month, and from there I continued with my outpatient team. I also attended an eating disorder recovery group for women over thirty every Tuesday evening. For years, this group of women became my family. Each of them provided the anchor I needed while acclimating to my life in recovery. I confided in them about my ongoing tug-of-war between wanting the eating disorder and recovery.
My husband and parents showed unwavering encouragement during my recovery as well. Even with all this support in place, most days I was floundering in my constant internal tug-of-war between wanting to be sick and wanting to be well. Color returned to my cheeks and light returned to my eyes. My shape filled out. But I still cut corners with my meal plan. Holding on to that little bit of control over calories falsely validated that I could have my life and the eating disorder at the same time.
Once, during an appointment, my dietitian called out this in-between place I was trying to maintain. “I’m not going to help you manage an eating disorder,” she said firmly. “I’ll continue to work with you, but I will not help you stay ‘a little’ sick. You’re either committed to recovery or not. Which is it?”
Initially, her words angered me. Had I not left my family for a month, taken leave from my job, eaten meals I was terrified of, gained weight, persevered through calorie increases and exercise restriction, and turned myself inside out every day in therapy? What else did she want from me? But deep down, I knew she was right. Yes, I had accomplished quite a bit during treatment; no one was taking that away from me. But I was not all in.
I admit, it would be a few years before that changed. To challenge the internal belief that I needed to rely on the eating disorder to some degree was an earthquake under my feet; I was on shaky ground, in uncharted territory.
I learned that the only way I could make the ground stop shaking with fear was to be afraid and do it anyway (with support and in a safe place): being afraid of gaining weight and doing it anyway; being afraid of grief and crying anyway; being afraid of a box of cereal and buying it anyway. The list goes on. After all, the things that are most ingrained are the hardest to change. We all know how to rationalize our fears away, or maybe we convince ourselves to wait until the fear does go away. Meanwhile, we stay in between sick and well, usually more on the side of sick.
One of my favorite quotes is by Pema Chödrön, the beloved Buddhist teacher and author. She says, “What we call obstacles are really the way the world and our entire experience teach us where we’re stuck.” In yoga philosophy, fear is called abhinivesa, and fear is one of five afflictions that cause discontentment. I often return to Pema Chödrön’s quote because it demonstrates that chipping away at whatever blocks our joy is just as important as the moment that we no longer feel afraid.
Sometimes—especially in the early years of recovery—we must courageously commit to taking the actions we’re afraid of, and only then does the fear change. The repetition of facing our fears helps us break free of the tug-of-war. The repetitiveness also reminds us that we have agency in our lives and that we have the power of choice with every action.
Check In with Yourself
Was there a time during your healing journey when you were afraid of something and did it anyway? What did you learn about yourself by taking that step even though you were afraid?
When you feel fear, what is your habitual or go-to response?
When fear gets in the way of going for that next step, what can you remind yourself?
If you feel trapped in a tug-of-war between the eating disorder and recovery, I invite you to check out a few opportunities that may feel comforting and supportive.
Consider incorporating Yoga Therapy into your recovery journey, where we can work together on breaking out of the tug-of-war and fears that are in the way.
Join me on Wednesdays from 2pm to 2:30 pm EST for the free Connection Call on Zoom for more support and conversation with others who truly get it.
Remember, you don't have to go it alone. Asking for support is one way that we can help ourselves move through fear and break free of the tug-of-war. 💗