The "Success" of Recovery Is Not Measured in "Happiness"

By Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, C-IAYT, Founder

Many years ago, during a rocky time in my recovery, I read The Paris Wife, a fictionalized account of Hadley Richardson’s marriage to the famous American author Ernest Hemingway, by Paula McClain. I’ve been in love with Paris ever since visiting that magical city for the first and only time (so far) in 2010. Admittedly, I was much more interested in reading about Paris than Hadley or Hemingway. This book offered me an escape to the beauty, charm, and poetic existence I remember of Paris.

After becoming pregnant, Hadley describes her body in positively astounding terms. Full of pride, Hadley explains: “My middle thickened, and my breasts grew fuller. I was tan and strong and content—more substantial—and began to believe that I’d finally discovered my purpose.” My eyes widened and my heart beat faster as I read Hadley’s words. Did Hadley just call her body more substantial? And like it?

In my entire life, I had never heard a woman—pregnant or not—speak about her body without bashing it in some subtle or harsh way. Hadley was the first, and I so badly wished I could pick up the phone, call her, and ask, “How do you do that? How does that work?”

The next night while reading The Paris Wife, I read and reread Hadley’s description of her body. My eyes skimmed the page and hovered over my new favorite word: substantial. But what does “more substantial” even mean?

I looked at my legs and gently pressed my fingertips into my thighs. I am stronger now, I told myself. I feel it when I balance in tree pose or walk through my neighborhood or carry my daughters. To me, stronger could mean more substantial.

Then I opened my arms wide like wings. I thought back to when my daughter once asked me what my favorite part of my body was, and I told her my arms because I used them to hug her and her sister. Expressing love with my body could mean more substantial.

I read Hadley’s description of her body once more. This time, I noticed something I had not before. The word “content” came before “substantial body” in the same sentence. Hadley said she felt “strong and content.”

Content. I said the word in my mind a few times. This is what I must learn next. How can I be content with my body and with myself?

Wanting to be content like Hadley, I envisioned myself never having another negative thought about my body. I hoped that if I could figure out how to be content, I would always be happy, and then I would finally master recovery.

I look back today and see what an impossible expectation this was for myself. I can also see where that expectation came from. Until I studied yoga philosophy, I always confused the word content with the word happy. In yoga, contentment, or santosha, has a different connotation. In fact, it is not about happiness at all! Rather, it is a practice of acceptance.

Contentment in yoga means accepting the moment for all it holds without comparing it to the past or future. In this respect, contentment does not mean we have to be happy with the moment, or even like it. To be content means to be present with what is. And when we are present to what is, we are more able to evaluate what steps or actions we need to take next.

Reading and reflecting about what it could mean to “be substantial” as well as learning the yogic definition of contentment was an important turning point in my recovery because I could let go of the pressure to be happy all the time, or even to always like my body. In other words, I was free from measuring the success of my recovery by the depth of my happiness. I shifted my healing work to focus on all the ways in my life I was becoming “more substantial” in mind, body, and spirit as well as my relationship with myself and others. Any area of my life that I wanted to shrink was a challenge to take the next step in taking up the space I deserved and finding contentment in that space.

Practice: Hold Space for Contentment

We can spend entire days in our head without being mindful of our body. Here’s a practice that guides you back to your body’s wisdom. For the next few minutes, there’s no need to analyze yourself, make any judgments, or take responsive action. All you need to do is notice.

1. Pause whatever you’re doing and give yourself a time-out. (It’s actually a time-in.)

2. Close or soften your eyes and make observations about what this moment holds. You can use all your senses as a way in.

3. How are you breathing? How’s your body feeling right now? What is the quality of your energy, mood, and thoughts?

4. Try taking a few gentle breaths, softening your face and shoulders. Say to yourself, “I can be with myself right here, right now. I am content.”

5. Experiment with phrasing that feels authentic to you. You might add “I can be here as I am” or “I can stay present and be with whatever comes up.”

If you are curious about how to explore what it means to be more substantial or content in your body and life, I invite you to check out a few opportunities that may feel comforting and helpful.

• Consider incorporating Yoga Therapy into your recovery journey, where we can work together on creating yoga-inspired tools that help you practice acceptance.

• Join me on Wednesdays from 2pm to 2:30 pm EST for the free Connection Call on Zoom for more support and conversation with others who truly get it.

• Head over to the Yoga for Eating Disorders Community Facebook Group for more support and conversation with others who truly get it.

Remember, you have the strength to take the next step in taking up the space you deserve and finding contentment in that space. 💗