Grieving the Eating Disorder
By Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, C-IAYT, Founder
I experienced grief off and on during my healing journey, especially in the beginning when I started to consistently make choices that aligned with recovery and not the eating disorder. This was an intense and very uncomfortable time. I struggled to reconcile that I had to grieve the identity of the eating disorder to become a self-accepting individual. In all honesty, it felt counterintuitive at first, but over time and with my therapist’s guidance, I learned that grief was an essential part of my recovery process (for the full story, check out Chapter 18 from my book, The Courageous Path to Healing).
I recall one particular therapy session. I had arrived feeling nauseas, agitated, and had an overwhelming need to cry. The emotion felt so big, like a tidal wave about to break. It felt like…grief. But why? I had not recently lost a loved one or friend. So why grief and why now?
“Maybe you’re grieving the eating disorder,” my therapist said when I’d finished explaining what I was experiencing.
“What do you mean?” I recalled talks about grieving the eating disorder identity years earlier, in treatment, but I’d never fully understood what that meant.
“To be in the space of acceptance and contentment we’ve talked about, you eventually have to grieve your old way of being,” she said, nodding for emphasis as she spoke. “You’re shedding an identity in order to embrace yourself without it.”
With her words, the tidal wave of emotion crashed down around me. This time, I allowed it to. I let the anguish of grief pass through in this place I knew could hold me, where I could cry. We sat in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes. Her patient eyes waited for me to continue the conversation. With my therapist’s framing of grief as releasing an identity, I made sense of the loss as I processed it, as I continued shedding my past self. I took big yoga breaths through the feelings, riding the waves of my sadness.
That day I learned that grieving the eating disorder identity was a real and necessary step in my healing journey. For so long, the same thoughts occupied my mind, and the same routines played out every day. I was comfortable when I had a false sense of control, predictability, and order. But those things were no longer front and center in my life. All the ways I previously viewed myself and the world were changing as I replaced the eating disorder with passions, purpose, and a commitment to myself and family to keep at it, even on hard days. In order to become a healthy and whole woman, I had to grieve the identity of sickness. When we grieve this part of ourselves, we give ourselves space to embrace the newness and light that can come as we start to let it go.
You are allowed to admit you miss the eating disorder, the depression, or the perfectionism. Whatever you have overcome, giving yourself permission to grieve is the passageway to the other side, where experiencing life in its fullest and most dimensional reality is possible. Also important is identifying the people and places that can hold you and your precious emotions so that you feel safe during the tidal waves, the ripples, and everything in between. There’s no timeline or deadline for your feelings of grief about the eating disorder. Take your time and trust that grieving will give way to the next place you are seeking in your recovery.
Check In with Yourself: Identifying the Who and Where for Your Emotions
Whether you’re grieving or working with other emotions, knowing the people and places that you feel safe to express yourself with is important. Identifying in advance your people and places for when you need support takes the work out of having to figure this out when you are going through the waves of emotion.
Who do you turn to for support when you are processing strong emotions?
What or where are the spaces that you feel safely hold you and your emotions when you need to process?
How can you trust it’s safe to feel emotions? Can you think of evidence for past times you gave yourself permission to feel that turned out okay?
If you could use support identifying ways to ground yourself as you experience grief and other emotions, I invite you to check out a few opportunities that may feel comforting and helpful.
Consider incorporating Yoga Therapy into your recovery journey, where we can work together on creating yoga-inspired tools that help you ride the waves of emotions.
Join me on Wednesdays from 2pm to 2:30 pm EST for the free Connection Call on Zoom for more support and conversation with others who truly get it.
And remember, there’s no timeline or deadline for your feelings of grief about the eating disorder. Take your time and trust that grieving will give way to the next place you are seeking in your recovery. 💗