My ED Journey Through Pregnancy and Postpartum

By Lisa Young, Guest Contributor

Even if you never suffered from an eating disorder, as a woman in this culture you likely have some body image struggles and/or body dysmorphia, and I encourage you to read on. I hope it gives just one person comfort, courage, and hope. You are not alone. And, you can't do this alone if you are suffering right now from an eating disorder or pregorexia (excessive fear of gaining weight in pregnancy).

I first came to yoga in 1998 out of curiosity for the spiritual aspects of yoga because I was seeking more meaning in my life. I had recently graduated from college, and I felt lost and confused about what I wanted to do with my life. I saw a flyer for an Iyengar yoga class in a coffee shop in Ocean City, NJ, and I decided to try it.

I remember being drawn to the flyer itself and the words promoting mind, body, and spirit wellness. I felt so at home in the yoga poses and left my first class feeling very calm and grounded. I started taking a weekly yoga class at my gym in PA, where I was working and living then. I hated my boring office job, and the highlight of my week was going to yoga to stretch out and do something just for me.

I stopped practicing yoga in 2000 when I moved across the country to Denver, CO with my boyfriend. Instead, I was bullying my body at the gym and compulsively running (away from emotional pain), AND starving myself. It was a dark game I was playing with myself. Could I make myself so small that I could disappear?

I was hungry, angry, hurting, and felt as if I had no meaning or direction in life. The loss of control and direction I felt in my life since college really, coupled with depression, compare/despair mindset, repressed childhood trauma and pain lead me to control the nearest thing, my body - restricting food and working out too much. (Side note: I swear being on hormonal birth control for 10 years made me depressed, too).

In 2001 I had had enough of the self-hate, and so had my boyfriend asked me to leave because I was making his life miserable, too. I called a therapist for help and was diagnosed with anorexia and compulsive exercising. It was a very low point in my life, and I was severely disconnected from my body, emotions, and small life I had wove by focusing so much on my body.

I remembered yoga and how good and whole it made me feel. I found a class at a natural grocery store called Wild Oats in Denver that offered yoga in their cooking classroom. There was fireplace in the classroom which made the atmosphere so cozy! I committed to a weekly yoga class to start the slow process of healing the damaged relationship I had with my body.

Yoga provided a safe, non-judgmental space for me to be in my body in a loving, gentle, and kind way. I started practicing yoga at home and became a passionate seeker, trying to soak up everything about yoga during the honeymoon yoga period. In addition, I kept up with talk therapy to recover from an eating disorder.

Please note that not all forms of yoga are healthy for women with EDs, like Bikram for example. This yoga environment can be toxic and harmful because it promotes slogans like "sweat out your fat and toxins", "no pain, no gain", "go harder, deeper, longer". This culture can be very triggering for women with body image issues.

Fast forward to several years in recovery - both with ups and downs. I had two healthy pregnancies. However, if I’m being completely honest with myself there were elements of ED voices in my head during the first pregnancy. I was concerned about not gaining too much weight and probably obsessed too much about food, restricting calories at times, and overexerted myself physically on occasion. In the second postpartum period, I definitely went out too fast, too long on the runs because “I wanted to get my body back.”

Overdoing it in postpartum resulted in injuries from joints that were still loose and ligaments that were still relaxed (relaxin hormone is still in the body after pregnancy and while nursing). I learned from my mistakes to go slow and be patient, even if you feel good, especially if you feel good! Build up your strength and endurance slowly. You will heal. It takes time.

In times of massive change like pregnancy and postpartum, where control flies out the window, women with EDs and who have a history can find themselves controlling their bodies because that is something they CAN control. There can be a fear of gaining weight in pregnancy and a fear we will never have the same body again. The underlying belief is that we won't be attractive, valued, or loveable postpartum. So not true. And, you are beautiful as you are and so much more than your body.

So, my journey through pregnancy and postpartum had its moments, but I did have many wins. I listened to my body and stopped running completely in both my pregnancies early on, and walked or did the elliptical instead. Of course, yoga, too. I listened to my body’s hunger cues and requests for all types of foods and gave myself permission to eat them. I practiced challenging ED demons by being the yogi witness (sitting with it, welcoming, not judging, staying curious), gently talking to them with body positive or neutral talk, and practicing loving acceptance – all skills I learned in yoga, therapy, and self-help resources.

In hindsight, I could have chilled the f***k out more in my pregnancies! What I did learn in motherhood finally viscerally (especially while nursing) is to trust my hunger cues and body’s need for food on its schedule, not the ED critical, judgey part of me. (But I just ate?! My body is hungry. Eat again. It is okay. Oh, and hanger is real in pregnancy and postpartum, too. I learned for the first time how to truly feed and nourish myself, otherwise, I had no brain or body fuel to do the demanding work of motherhood.

To this day with my history of anorexia and compulsive exercising, feeding myself well (and exercising in a balanced way) is a form of mothering myself, self-care, and an act of radical self-love. In yoga philosophy, we call this Ahimsa or non-harming ourselves (and others), and instead practicing loving kindness towards ourselves.
 
We can all practice loving and accepting our bodies more no matter what the relationship is to the body. We can learn to respect our bodies limitations and honor our own bodies hunger and satiety cues and needs. Pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, and motherhood can rip us apart, especially if we have a tendency for high perfection, achievement, and control. They can put those in ED recovery in relapse or can even create an ED. Also, not sleeping wreaks havoc on our moods and can spiral women into or back to ED. An eating disorder can also be an undiagnosed mood disorder.

It is not about food. EDs are complex. They can be about unexpressed, uncomfortable feelings we don't want to face, the way our brain is wired, a personality type (described above), past trauma, societal pressures and expectations, and more. If you're suffering, know that you aren't broken, there are parts of you hurting and need loving attention. Get help. Recovery is on-going.

The pre and postnatal stages in a woman's life can be a healthy wake up call to return to our bodies for healing and balance regardless if you have/had an ED or not. We give up a lot of control in the perinatal period and motherhood, however, we can make a radical, courageous choice to nourish our bodies with food, love, acceptance, and healthy balance. Ask is this choice harmful or helpful? Own your hunger and nourish with courage, my good friend/ED expert Jennifer Kreatsoulas says.

The journey of body acceptance and self-love only deepens and gets better in midlife. If you keep practicing the yoga concept of Ahimsa (loving kindness) towards yourself, I promise, it gets better and is so freeing! And, this is when you really need a copious amounts of love for your body and self, when the body starts breaking down and aging, and we relinquish control again.

The body is not the enemy. The body is a loving, wise friend trying to help you.

Thank you for reading. It is a brave act to love the skin you're in. Just keep practicing.

Lisa Young has been teaching yoga for 17 years and pre & postnatal yoga and yoga childbirth classes for over 10 years. As the founder of Austin Prenatal Yoga, she has taught yoga to thousands of women and their families in Austin, TX. Lisa fell in love with yoga all over again when she was pregnant with her first born 12 years ago. Realizing how yoga perfectly fit with pregnancy and how yoga helped tremendously with having a fast, easy natural birth experience, Lisa felt called to share the benefits of yoga and its tools with expectant mothers. She is honored and grateful to share her several years of experience and expertise with yoga, pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum with all that feel inspired to explore deeply this magical and transformative time in a woman's life.

Lisa lives in Austin, TX with her two children. She has a master's in counseling psychology and enjoys writing, astrology, and the outdoors. Lisa also started and leads a Perimenopause Support Group in Austin.